Today has been hard. It’s been full of so many emotions that I find it hard to process, and I feel I need to write it down. You know? Just one of those days where you’ve been filled with so much you literally just want to run and hide? I want to run, and I want to hide, on my own, in a dark room.
Lately I feel I’ve been losing my temper with Finlay so much, and I do raise my voice, but today it all got too much and he again wouldn’t listen to me asking him to stop, and looking at me with the “I know I’m being naughty, but I’m going to do it anyway.” Typical toddler I know, but today, not all being his fault, a mixture of things and I lost it, and I marched his little bottom into his bedroom and closed the door. Only for about 30 seconds before I re opened it, and then I crumbled. Into a crying mess on my hallway floor, I felt awful, I don’t know why I did it, as soon as I shut the door I regretted it, and he looked at me with his sweet dairylea stained face, and sat down next to me and started to chatter on, and I felt so so so bad, what an awful mother. I felt yet again that I had failed at this whole parenting thing, and that he didn’t deserve me as a mother, he deserved more.
Sometimes days get so difficult, and I do lose it more than I should, and I hate myself for that, but I am trying so very very hard to be a better parent. My boys are my world, they mean everything to me and I would do anything for their happiness, but lately with Finlay playing up I cant help but ask myself, is this my fault, or is it just a typical two year old stage? I have no idea, but I really hope it’s the latter. I need to make more time for him, and not lose my temper so easily. I’ve found it hard adjusting and juggling two very young children, and that’s not their fault, and I need to remind myself that I need to be more patient, more understanding.
With that being said I know I’m only human, I know I will have more days where I feel like I can’t do it, and I know that I will pick myself up, shake it off and strive to be better. I needed to write this, I needed to tell myself that no it’s not ok to lose my temper, but it is ok to be human, with real emotions and real feelings that will undoubtedly be tested so many times, I need to be more forgiving to myself, and when I slip up, I will learn from it.