For 4 days now my littlest has been cursed with the dreaded lurgy, his tonsils are the main culprit, and its been rough, really really rough. For days now I have been the nurse dishing out medication to a patient who is so reluctant and will do anything to make sure I don’t get the buggers into his mouth, the frantic parent taking the temperature every couple of hours praying for it to be decreasing, the worrisome mother whose desperate to get her child to drink, anything & something, in a desperate bid for my poor baby to get some form of relief, to start to smile & be my happy baby again.
You don’t realise when they are healthy and happy just how tough parenting can be. Don’t get me wrong, on the healthy days, times can be ROUGH, but I don’t really think it’s until they become poorly that you realise just how tough this parenting game can get. I have sat for 3 nights worrying about that temperature, checking in every 2-4 hours praying that when I lay my hand down on his little cheek that it will be a reasonable temperature. Its in these moments, frantic with worry and almost desperation to get my cheeky little man back, that I realise how god damn hard this journey can be.
I’m not fantastic when it comes to worry anyway, I have an instinct that kicks in and I’m gone. Completely and utterly a walking blur of worry and desperation for it to be done with. I’m not sure if that’s normal for a parent, but for me it sucks. When I worry, I go to a completely different zone and I cannot calm down, and I cant sit still, I cant engage in any form of conversation and I don’t listen to anything anyone is saying. I sit there in this awful blur of emotions and it really really SUCKS. I know I’m doing it, and I just cannot stop it.
This week Its meant I’ve cut my work day short at work because I felt too awful leaving him, and although he is what should always comes first in that situation, obviously other people don’t always realise or see that, and fair enough if you have commitments and responsibilities. It’s meant that for days now my oldest sweetheart has had to take a backseat whilst I deal with Jacob for 90% of the day, and he has been an angel, cue the mum guilt. Why do kids do that? When all is well and good they play you up something rotten, but I think they know that in a certain situation, like a sibling or family member being ill, that they need to be the best they can be, and it breaks my heart so much that he’s being playing so nicely on his own and hasn’t fussed once. Don’t get me wrong I probably couldn’t have coped if he had been asking for attention the whole time and for that I am beyond grateful, but its broken my heart that he felt he perhaps needed to act that way. Why cant we split in two?
Today though, we seemed to have turned a corner in the road to better health, and the relief. The relief that his temperature has come down just isn’t like anything I’ve known. He’s finally eating and drinking, and I have thank the lord, been able to get a bit of housework done, because if I’m being honest, it was getting to a point of no return where I felt the only way to deal with this hell hole was to just shut up shop and bugger off somewhere else.
Today I am thankful for happy cheeky children. Now for the love of god please let the other one miss the lurgy train.