I was a little unsure whether to post this or not. It’s something that is extremely personal to both me and my husband, and if I’m honest not many people knew, I’m not really sure how many know now, because as time went on and I had my two boys, it was much easier to talk about the experience. However, I’ve come to the decision that I do want to share it, and I hope that it may bring a little comfort to anyone who has been through this awful experience before, that they aren’t alone, it wasn’t their fault, and there is always someone who gets it.
In January 2013, I remember we were on our way home from a concert, and I turned to my husband and said I felt a little different, my boobs were sore, and I just felt *something* was different. A day or so later on a Wednesday evening I decided I would buy a pregnancy test, just to check. I was always all over the place with my cycle, I could go months without having one so for us this was never a reliable way to tell if I were pregnant or not. So on that Wednesday evening, mine and husbands lives changed. Up came the faintest of lines, and we said this is it! It’s our time!
I’ve always been quite manic about pregnancy tests and always use far too many *just to be sure*, I decided to get a double pack of clearblue tests which tell you how many weeks you are, it came up as 1-2 weeks pregnant! This was my confirmation, I knew it was extremely early but seeing the words made it all the more real. We were that excited that we drove to my parents that same night to tell them, we rang my husbands parents that night too.
Over the next couple of days we were in a baby bubble of excitement, we even popped to Mothercare to look at all the baby bits, had a look at all the different prams and nursery bits too. We knew it was early and we didn’t buy anything on that basis but looking around just made me feel completely filled with joy. We were having a baby!
On the Friday I managed to get myself into the doctors who then referred me to a midwife and I was told my first appointment would be when I was around 8 weeks, I would get my midwife pack and appointment come through the post soon! It was all happening, we were planning ahead, even thinking about my car as it was a 3 door, so we said we would definitely need to look at some 5 door ones for ease.
Friday night came, and I’m not sure what made me do it, but there was one pregnancy test left in the clearblue box, and I thought I’d take it just to see if the weeks had changed. It was at this point, on that Friday night, I felt a pain I cannot describe.
What? How? Why? My husband rushed out to get a few more, but nothing changed, no line, no words of “pregnant” ever seen. My heart broke. The range of emotions I felt at that point went from feeling embarrassed, to denial. I wasn’t bleeding. Did I get a false positive? I read and it said it was near enough impossible. What had happened in 2 days? We decided to see an out of hours doctor that night, but the only one I could get in to see was around a half an hour drive from us. That journey.. My god that drive from our house and that surgery. We both just sat there, in silence, in shock, almost despair. My husband was amazing asking if I were ok, that it would be ok, and I think in my state of shock I forgot to ask HIM if he was ok. I know its my body but it was his baby just as much, his excitement and heart broken just as much.
We walked into the doctors room where I was asked to take one of their tests, and I knew, I knew the minute he dipped the little stick what he meant when he looked at us. He didn’t say it, the poor man couldn’t bring himself to. Then just like that, our baby bubble was gone. I sobbed, my husband sobbed, but we had each other and that was what mattered at that time.
As we walked in from the doctors that night, I started to bleed. It was confirmation that our baby had gone, and our hearts broke just that little bit more.
The doctor arranged for me to have a blood test the following day to try and understand what went on with my HG levels. It was here I was met by the most heartless nurse I have ever come across. Whilst taking my blood I had “Well atleast you’re young, imagine being 40 with no children”, “Look at me, I haven’t got any yet”. I couldn’t work out if she was trying to make me feel better, was just a bit ignorant, or didn’t really understand what we were going through. My bloods we taken and I was told I would get my results in a couple of days.
1 week. 1 week is all it took to go from a baby bubble, to utter heart break. On that Wednesday morning, I sat in the lounge, when the postbox went. It was my new parent pack with my midwife appointment. My god. How did this happen to me? Did I cause this to happen? Why couldn’t I keep my baby?
Hours later my phone rang with doctor on the end of it, who confirmed that my HG levels were low enough to confirm that I wasn’t pregnant. He was so nice, so supporting, and it was him who told me it wasn’t my fault, and that in fact, this is more common than I thought.
No one deserves to go through this experience. I only knew about my baby for 2 days before it was gone, and never did I think in a week I could go from the happiest I’ve been to the lowest.
I have since gone on to have two very beautiful boys, without anymore miscarriages.
Please understand if you have been or are going through this that you are not alone, it can feel that way, and no one can ever take that heart break away, but it gets easier, and I hope that your time will come to have those beautiful babies very soon.